when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
