Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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