I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
