Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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