Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
