Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
