My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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