Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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