Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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