My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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