what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
