So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
