mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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