i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
