now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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