my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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