Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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