she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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