and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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