go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
