what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize