So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
