I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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