Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just invented taco cereal.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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