I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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