There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
