he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
