so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I don't deserve a penis
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
