cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
