Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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