nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
