he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
