I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
