I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
don't judge my taste in strippers
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
