Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
