Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
