I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
