It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
