i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
