She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
