she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
