i would punch a child for taco bell
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
