the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
