The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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