Im at strip club and am horny
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize