why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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