i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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