I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
