Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
