Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
its liver damage thursday
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
