how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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