I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
