Screwed.edu
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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