I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
