I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
the condom got lost in my hair
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
