I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Only a mothe r could love this liver
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
