Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
