Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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