The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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