Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
